Thank you, Mr. Ives.

MARK: Al!

AL: Hey there, Marcus. What’s up?

MARK: Jesus!

AL: What’s going on, buddy?

MARK: Oh, man . . . !

AL: What’s the matter? Sit down.

MARK: I don’t get it, Al. I don’t understand it.

AL: You want something? You want a drink? I’ll call the waitress—

MARK: (desperate) No! No! Don’t even try. (Gets a breath.) I don’t know what’s going on today, Al. It’s really weird.

AL: What, like . . . ?

MARK: Well – just for an example. This morning I stopped off at a drugstore to buy some asprin. This is at a big drugstore, right?

AL: Yeah.

MARK: I got up to the counter, the guy says what can I do for you, I say, give me a bottle of aspirin. The guy gives me this funny look and he says, “Oh we don’t have that, sir.” I said to him, you’re a drugstore and you don’t have any aspirin?

AL: Did they have Crocin?

MARK: Yeah!

AL: Paracetamol?

MARK: Yeah!

AL: Viagra?

MARK: Yeah!

AL: But no aspirin.

MARK: No!

AL: Wow . . .

MARK: And that’s just the kind of weird of thing that’s been happening all day. It’s like, I go to a newsstand to buy the New York Times the guy never even heard of it.

AL: Could’ve been a misunderstanding

MARK: I asked everyplace---nobody had the News! I had to read the Toronto Hairdresser. Or this. I go into this diner at lunchtime to buy a sandwich, the guy tells me they don’t have any ham. How can they be a diner if they don’t have any ham??

AL: Was this a Korean diner?

MARK: This was a kosher from Jerusalem diner. “Oh we don’t carry that sir,” he says to me. “Have some tongue.”

AL: Mmm….

MARK: I just got into a cab, the guy says he doesn’t go to Fifty-sixth street!! He offers to take me to Queens instead!

AL: Mm-hmm.

MARK: Looking at me like I’m an alien or something!

AL: Mark. Settle down.

MARK: “Oh I don’t go there, sir.”

AL: Settle down. Take a breath.

MARK: Do you know what this is?

AL: Sure.

MARK: What is it? What’s happening to me?

AL: You’re in a Philadelphia. That’s all.

MARK: But I’m in---

AL: Yes. Physically you’re in New York. But metaphysically you’re in a Philadelphia.

MARK: I’ve never heard of this!

AL: You see, inside of what we know as reality there are these pockets, these black holes called Philadelphias. If you fall into one, you run up against exactly the same kinda shit that’s been happening to you all day.

MARK: Why?

AL: Because in Philadelphia, no matter what you ask for you can’t get it. You ask for something they’re not gonna have it. You want to do something, it’s not gonna get done. You want to go somewhere, you can’t get there from here.

MARK Good God. So this is very serious.

AL: Just remember, Marcus. This is a condition named for the town that invented the cheese steak. Something that nobody in his right mind would willingly ask for.

MARK: And I thought I was just having a very bad day….

AL: Sure. Millions of people have spent entire lifetimes inside a Philadelphia and never even knew it. Look at the city of Philadelphia itself. Hopelessly trapped forever inside a Philadelphia. And do they know it?

MARK: Well what can I do? Should I just kill myself and get it over with?

AL: You try to kill yourself in a Philadelphia you’re only gonna get hurt babe.

MARK: So what do I do?

AL: Best thing is to wait it out. Someday the great cosmic train will whisk you outta the City of Brotherly Love and off to someplace happier.

Proem

Knock Knock.

AEM: It's you.

M: Hello. Were you expecting anyone else?

AEM: No, but what are you doing here?

M: I used to belong here remember?

AEM: Yes, I do. I thought you had forgotten.

M: Not really. Is there anyone else inside?

AEM: No, absolutely not.. Why?

M: I was wondering if i could come in.

AEM: Oh sure, step in. I was just shocked to see you here. Really, what are you doing here?

M: You look as if you don't want me back here!

AEM: I look as if i wasn't expecting you here ever again, that's what i look like. I thought you finked out on me for good. And yes I'm shocked you look like this. Did you deflate?

M: Me fink out on you? Ha!

AEM: Don't get smart on me! I haven't seen you in a year and a half.

M: Yes, that i shall accept.

AEM: Where have you been? Where did you go?

M: I've been with Mary for a year.

AEM: You slut.

M: I'm back. Doesn't that make things better?

AEM: Of course it Fucking doesn't, slut.

M: Listen, We'll make things work here alright.

AEM: Is that what you told her when you went off.

M: Can i lie to you?

AEM: You slut.

M: I cant?

AEM: You slut.

M: You see, I seem to have got the message.

AEM: You slut.

M: Fine.

AEM: You left Mary now?

M: Yes, haven't seen much of her in the past few months. Four to five exactly.

AEM: Exactly? How is four to five, exactly?

M: Alright. 4.

AEM: Then Why did you say 5?

M: I dunno, I seem to have lost count.

AEM: You're finding this funny aren't you?

M: Definitely not.

AEM: You slut.

M: You say that once more and I'll start finding that funny.

AEM: You are welcome to leave.

M: OK, I apologise. Listen, can we forget all this and get back to where we were?

AEM: Where were we?

M: Mmm.

AEM: You fucking don't know do you?

M: Mmm.

AEM:You Slut.

M: I'm sorry.

AEM: You're sniggering!!

M: I told you I'd find it funny if you told me the same thing again.

AEM: Whats so funny about being a slut, slut.

M: Nothing.

AEM: Then stop finding thaings that are not even remotely funny, funny.

M: Right.

AEM: Now what made you come back here?

M: I missed you.

AEM: Don't lie, slut.

M: I got bored of mary.

AEM: Thats more like it.

M: She ate into my head really. Beyond a point she had to go.

AEM: So you went. That's so stereotype. You got no moxie, do you?

M: That isn't true.

AEM: That's why you left me and ran away for so long, erased me out for a while and now you've run away from mary and come back to me! You're spineless.

M: OK.

AEM: Good, thats what i like about you, you listen.

M: You're smiling!

AEM: What did you expect? I'm seeing you after a year and a half, I know i loved you and you loved me. You fell for Mary. I still knew you would come back. Am i not supposed to be glad that, that day is today? That it has come?

M: You waited?

AEM: Sort of.

M: Does that mean you're fine with this?

AEM: Of course! Welcome back!

Phew.